I have been very quiet on the blog. I've been desperately avoiding writing. The last month has been a struggle and I haven't wanted to talk about it at all.
I have been feeling disconnected and I had closed myself off from the muse, and in doing so rejected inspiration and found doing any artwork incredibly difficult. I found any number of excuses and ways to procrastinate to avoid doing the work.
I have been placing blame on everything and anyone but myself. I moved house (over a month ago), I had a slight cold, I felt tired. I was struggling to concentrate on anything for longer than a few minutes. I really miss my friends from the US and instead of reaching out I avoid it altogether. I was feeling immediately defensive towards anyone who gave even the slightest hint of challenging me or who asked me what I'm working on right now.
I gave the "everything is great and I love what I'm doing" response to anyone who asked.
But really I was in full blown struggle town, and making it even worse by not talking about it. Finally when I broke down and talked to Kyle about it over the weekend two things came up.
1) I feel immense pressure to create this magical artwork which people will "just want to buy" and I'm stressed about not making a huge amount of money (in my first 6 months since starting to promote and sell my artwork), and 2) in feeling that pressure I don't want to create at all. I've stopped creating, learning and exploring for the simple pleasure of doing so, for myself.
So, in realising this I have concluded that I need a little break from trying to create the "magical sell-able artwork" and I need to return to creating for the simple joy of it.
And I have gone back to my part time job which is helping to take the pressure off creating for money too.
Making art can be difficult, and I made even more difficult for myself by placing all this pressure to earn a living from it before I've even given myself a chance to explore what it really means to me.
So I'm giving myself permission to focus on doing what I like and I'm not going to feel guilty about it either.
I have a project in the works surrounding Creativity, Story and Connection too, but I'll fill you in on that soon.
Thanks for reading,